Take Three Garlic....

Take Two Garlic and Call Me in the Morning Last night I woke up sniffling. Then I swallowed and felt my throat talk back to me. A cold-- just what I needed right before Thanksgiving. There’s so much to do, so much to enjoy so of course it’s the perfect time to cough and blow your nose continuously. I lay there trying to talk myself out of it. There have been times when I’ve ignored a cold and it actually left. But this was not going to be one of those times. That’s the problem with colds. Though they are all the same they are also just different enough to be exasperating. There are colds that come on so gradually that you barely notice them. There are colds that smack you silly so quickly that all you can do is try to cope with all the stuff that simultaneously emerges from the orifices in your head. There are colds that are gone in a few days and those that linger on for weeks. The ones where a hacking cough holds you hostage and others that steal your voice. A veritable rainbow of delights. Because of these differences no one remedy ever works consistently. Sometimes one thing succeeds and other times it makes no difference at all. It’s very disheartening. When I was growing up my mom always plied me with tablespoons of honey and lemon and rivers of tea. I always hated the taste of pure honey so I dreaded those tablespoons. It was all I could do not to gag. She also made me gargle with warm saltwater, another amazingly nauseating remedy. But she made me chicken soup, which tasted wonderful, and rubbed Vicks Vapo rub on my chest so that I smelled like a eucalyptus plant. When I was older my dad would mix rum in hot milk for me and that was lovely. I may not have been cured but I certainly was happy! I had a yoga teacher who swore by her netti pot. It’s a small teapot-shaped container with a long narrow spout. You fill it with warm salt water then pour the solution up your nose to lubricate your sinuses. You can achieve similar results by swallowing water as someone tells you a funny story. We used to do this quite often during school lunch hours, when kids drank their milk. We’d wait for them to take a sip then say something hilarious and watch the kid lubricate his sinuses by blowing the milk out of his nostrils, whereupon we would all yell, “Through the nose!” Of course the best way to take care of a cold is to rest but that’s never possible. You have to work, or take care of kids who probably have caught it from you so that you’re all one big sick, cranky family. When Lisa was a toddler we both caught bad colds. We were stuck in the house alone since none of our friends wanted to come near us and risk contagion. I tried to get her to play the game, “Let’s-take-a-nap” but she wasn’t having any of it. The worst part was that even though my upstairs neighbor was also sick she got to rest in solitary comfort, sipping tea and watching the soaps. She didn’t have to blow her nose while playing endless games of Chutes and Ladders. Plus her friends kept sending her flowers which she never accepted because she was sleeping so the delivery guys would leave them with me. Every few hours I would trek upstairs to hand her yet another bouquet while she stood there dressed in gorgeous lingerie complaining that there was nothing good on TV. I had some very unkind thoughts about what I wanted to do with her flowers. Nowadays when I’m blessed with a cold I follow my routine of swallowing decongestants, or as I call them, my little red wonder pills. At night I gulp down a cough suppressant and spray more chemicals up my nose to help me breathe. I’m a veritable cornucopia of cold remedies. I’ve also sucked on zinc lozenges, which makes my tongue feel like a troop of squirrels have done a conga on it, and drank gallons of Echinacea tea in an attempt to flush the germs out. Last year my daughter Lisa swore by a natural method for getting rid of colds…raw garlic. You chop up two cloves, let it sit for 20 minutes then mix it with a little liquid and swallow. I tried it a few months ago and it actually worked. I was ecstatic. So I tried it again another time but it didn’t work. This week when both Mariel and I were starting colds she talked me into trying it again. So we did garlic shots, followed by a tomato juice chaser for me and ginger ale for her. I warned her that for the rest of the day her mouth would reek of garlic. But she also discovered that it was not a good idea to swallow garlic with a carbonated beverage—for the rest of the day she burped up raw garlic, an experience she never wants to repeat. Yesterday, despite the garlic and Echinacea, I developed one of the worst colds that I’ve had in years. I’m back to my red pills and cough syrup. And if all else fails rum and milk will go down a treat.

Of Sharks and Flame throwers

Of Sharks and Flames If I had to make a list of things that I hate doing, interviewing for a job would be right up there. Isn’t it everyone’s dream to enter a room where they are at the mercy of someone who can make them feel instantly flustered and utterly stupid? I once read somewhere that an interviewer makes up her mind within the first ten seconds that a person walks in the door. I used to try and impress that on my students when they came to me for advice before heading off for a job. “Ms. Joan! Do I look okay?” they would ask. I would look over to see that they were wearing jeans, a t-shirt and sneakers and just sigh. I would ask them why they hadn’t come to me a couple of days before so that I could have given them some pointers. Then I’d tell them to go home and change into a shirt with a collar, nice slacks and shoes. But they would always insist that they were fine and then inevitably come back the next day angry because they didn’t get the job. I used to conduct interview classes to give them advice but my students believed that if the employer couldn’t accept them the way that they were, they didn’t want to work there anyway. Most of us have no problem dressing for an employer’s approval. The dressing part is almost the easiest. You find a decent suit, comb your hair, slap a smile on your face and you’re done. It’s the questions that are the unknown descent into hell. After having been on countless quirky or soul crushing interviews, when I’m on the other side of the desk looking for employees, I become the warm, fuzzy questioner that smothers you in sugary sweetness. It’s absolutely nauseating. But I honestly feel that the more relaxed an interviewee is, the truer picture you get of their personality. And in the adult teaching profession, personality counts for a lot. If you have a class of 18 year olds who have dropped out of high school after having challenged everyone who has ever tried to teach them, you need someone strong, with a boatload of patience and a good sense of humor. An industrial whistle helps too. The only time that I was completely relaxed in an interview was when I applied for a job that I didn’t really want. So of course I got it. I tried to explain that to Lisa a few weeks ago. Interviewers can smell desperation. They’d rather hire someone who plays hard to get. It sounds crazy but it’s true. Since Lisa and Matt moved to California, Lisa has been job searching. She has two nice suits, a good looking resume, and a great personality. (Okay I know I’m her mom, but it’s true) She also has the usual case of job hunting nerves. Last week she got called in for an interview that would last from 9:00-4:00 and encompass everyone at the company including the custodial staff. So she decided to enlist Matt’s help in the interviewing process. She asked his help despite knowing how absolutely, adorably nuts her husband is. It’s the main reason why he fits in so well with our family. The “interview” began with just the two of them but quickly mushroomed as we all got electronically involved. Lisa: Ask me about a time when I faced a challenge while conducting research. Matt: You can't tell me what to ask you! I'm the interviewer! Lisa: Ok. Matt: Errrmm, ummm . . . what would you do if you were stuck in a castle surrounded by a moat full of sharks? Lisa: Umm . . . can I catapult myself off? Matt: No, that would kill you. Lisa: Umm . . . do I have a hot air balloon? Matt: Yes, but it catches on fire. Also, the sharks can walk and talk and have keys to the castle. They eat you and you die. You're going to have to find another job. That’s how it began. Lisa e-mailed that to me, Steve and Mariel so of course we all began to stir the pot…… Joni: Matt definitely has a future as an interviewer...what imagination! What daring! What utter craziness! Can I work for you Matt???? Steve: From where I stand the interview would be a killer. Joni: Excuse me, but it's obvious that Lisa should have gotten into her plane or helicopter or had plenty of food and beer to feed the sharks...This sounds like a typical interview for a job at Google! Mariel: I sent this link to Matt this morning: http://xkcd.com/585/ (go to this site for a great shark lesson and all around amazing comic) Matt: The sharks have sabotaged all the planes and helicopters Steve: Then there’s only one correct answer. The sharks play Bezzerwizzer* and will allow Lisa to cross the moat if she lets them win. Matt: Actually, the correct answer is to use a flame thrower which Mariel guessed in a separate thread. Mariel: Matt gave me a clue when he told me you couldn't beat the sharks with science, but with FIRE. Lisa: I want to print out this email chain and frame it I want to print out my family and frame us! We are all nuts……but we interview well! *Bezzerwizzer is a fantastic strategic trivia game that our family is addicted to!